I swear it was just yesterday that I was in university but at the same time it feels like that was an age ago. How does that work?
I’m not the same person I was when I was 20 but at the same time I am. It’s like the older I get the more lessons I learn the more jaded I become. Or the more I realise, ah so this is adulthood. I feel like when I was 20 I saw adulthood as another thing I had to conquer. To be honest that’s how I approached life but then my twenties came along and was like, “Mwahaha you can’t conquer me!” If that reads like a cheesy villain then good, that was on purpose.
I was hopeful and cheerful, it’s cute. I look back to my trip to Rwanda when I was 21 and I compare it to 24 and I’m like why was my experience so different? When I was 21 my granddad was still around and he lived up a hill near the volcanoes. When I was 24 going on 25 my granddad had already passed away and everyone lived in Kigali.
I can’t express how much I don’t like Kigali. I don’t think I’m suited to live in the capital city of anywhere. I mean even here in England I would never live in London, but it is a nice place to visit.
Anyway, tangent aside, in four years a lot changed. People changed and yet were the same. I guess what I’m trying to say is the core of a person doesn’t change but other things like characteristics, points of view or vibes change. And you don’t notice until you look back to compare.
I realised time is really passing when I looked at kpop. I’ve been into it since 2013. And the groups I was into back then have grown and I can really see it in their faces and where they are in the industry. I mean take for example BTS or Exo, yo! It’s amazing to see what they’ve achieved.
I remember being freaked out in 2013 because these dudes were around the same age as me and had achieved so much already, and they were already doing their dream jobs. I remember thinking, “I wonder when I’ll get there?” Cut to the present and I’m still thinking the same thing but I’ve also accepted the fact that I may not get to do my dream job.
Now my dream job isn’t to be a celebrity but to be an author, a writer and an entertainment journalist. I have pursued all those fields and honestly I am happy with my books and my efforts. I see that they haven’t produced results and it makes me think, hmm I guess I’m not meant to do this.
I mean I’ll still write but your girl needs another job.
At first I would get jealous of those who can do what they love but now I’m just happy for them. It takes a lot to succeed and those who do I am so happy for. If I don’t succeed but you do that’s great.
It’s weird because it feels like I’ve done nothing since I turned twenty. But I’ve finished uni, self-published two books, I got a post graduate diploma and I have worked three jobs, two of which weren’t great but they count. That’s not nothing, but because those things haven’t produced results (yet) sometimes I feel like I’ve done nothing so I get surprised when I realise time has passed. The only thing that has produced a result so far is getting my driving license. That is the best part of adulting; don’t let anyone lie to you. Driving is the best! It’s so freeing.
It’s not just kpop that has made me feel it but a Skype call I had recently with a friend. I met this friend at my camp job in 2016 and we were explaining this to her girlfriend and in that moment I was like… wait we met how many summers ago! OMD! I had a minor freak out which I hope they didn’t notice. It honestly feels like I worked on that camp yesterday… where is the time going!
Does it get better when you have a 9-5 job? Or maybe you like time moving fast if you have a 9-5 job. I don’t know it’s fascinating really.
Even my hair, I was feeling like it wasn’t growing. I cut it in 2015 to go natural and now it’s 2019 and it felt like it barely grew. Then I was looking at old pictures I’m tagged in on Instagram and there’s one from that camp job and wow, my hair has grown! That is a different hair on my head in that picture! And yet because I see my hair everyday it feels stagnant.
That’s kind of how my life feels right now. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to rest or sit still so when life gets quiet I feel stagnant. I get anxious and worry that I should be doing something.
Most people don’t like the thought of looking into the future but honestly I would like to see what future Gift is up to. Or rather to be told I’m on the right track. It’d be nice to have that assurance, that no matter what I’ll be ok. Perhaps if I had that assurance I wouldn’t freak out so much about time passing.
That was a lot of rambling. But I think the post works better like that. What are your thoughts on the topic?
Ps: I am not really scared to be old. Being old looks like fun, they’ve been through it all and are like, “Whatever man, I’ve lived and I am satisfied.” That’s what my granddad was like before he died and honestly that doesn’t sound so bad.