Being too Caring

This may be a humble brag (the title) but I’m honestly being genuine here. Sometimes I think I care too much and it’s a problem.

When I meet new people and we get along and we click, in my head we’re friends now. Sometimes it happens that quickly and sometimes I can know someone for years and then one day we actually have a proper non-small talk conversation and we click and bam, again in my head we’re friends now.

I’ve learned though that, that is not how it works for everybody. In fact it’s not how it works for most people and it’s not a healthy habit to have as nothing sucks more than thinking you are friends with someone only to find out that they only see you as an acquaintance.

I think it’s because I have a lot of barriers and when people get through those barriers and get to know me, that’s it. We’re friends. I’m both complicated and not complicated.

In fact I don’t think I have a best friend because all my friends are friends who are precious to me. I’m more of a quality over quantity type person.

However if you’ve read my twenties series in my musings tag then you’ll know I have learned a lot about friendship and the bad habits that I have and I have learned to accept that some friends aren’t forever but for a season.

What does that have to do with being too caring? I think I get hurt because when I decide someone is a friend and they agree and we’re friends I place importance on that friendship. It may be because I’m an only child but for me I always had the mentality that friends, my true friends and not acquaintances, are my family.

So I like to show people I love them through my actions. I like to be there for them when they need me and I used to make a big deal about birthdays because for me, for a long time, my birthday was the event I looked forward to the most out of the year.

However those who I thought were true friends never did that for me, at least in my teenage years. My mom used to get so frustrated, she was like, “Why are you doing so much for them when they do nothing for you?” She was referring to me always looking for the perfect gift (pun unintended) and just showering them with love on their birthday.

I didn’t understand her at first as I was just doing it because I wanted to. After she said that though I started to think about it more and I started to pay attention and I was like, “Wow, they don’t do much for me.” I’m not just talking about gifts. If it was just a present thing I could let it go because someone could be broke or not know what to get me. But it was more like, people would forget my birthday completely. Or if I invited these individuals out to hang out they would say yes and then not show up.

You’re probably thinking they weren’t my friends right? But weirdly enough at school we hung out with each other all the time and when they invited me to their house I would go, the problems would only arise when it came to coming to my house.

To this day I don’t know what that was about.

And I never did anything about it. I noticed and got sad but we remained friends until we drifted apart. I didn’t say anything because I was already attached and I already cared. Once I care it’s hard for me to stop. Once I stop it’s hard for me to care again.

Also they were good with words. They said so many nice and loving things that I thought, perhaps it’s because I live a bit far from them but when I started driving I realised that, that was bullshit.

So after that experience in my teens I learned that for me actions speak louder than words. Those friends that never showed up were two people, but our friendship group was bigger than that and so I never just invited them. So two other girls always showed up no matter what. Honestly one of those two girls is still my friend to this day. Even if we stop talking one day,  if I get married I will invite her 100% because her and the other girl restored my faith in friendships.

Words can just be so empty, you know, so when someone actually shows up for me. That sticks with me.

So yeah I got attached to people too easily when I was a teenager and when I was a kid. I really valued friendships because I had no siblings. I still value friendships now but somehow I think I’ve over corrected. Now even if I like someone I keep them at a distance and if I see the friendship going down the distant road I cut ties after a year of the distance.

I didn’t think much of it until I looked at some old pictures and I was like wow, I do not talk to a lot of people. I can count all my friends easily.

I don’t know if I want to correct this over correction. In fact it may not be an over correction. It may just seem that way because I used to be that clingy friend. So maybe this is normal?

To end on a positive note I have found friends who are like me. I now have friends who place just as much importance on friendship, like friend R. I have also found friends who make time for me as I do them in their busy lives. It doesn’t have to be every day or every week. For me I just wanted to have friends who would check in on me and who cared.

I have a friend, friend D, who can go a month without saying anything and then she pops back up and we chat. She’s busy and I understand that so I value the time where she pops up.

However I will say I only accept it when it comes to her. I have other friends who don’t talk to me because they don’t care and then they try that excuse of, “We can go for ages without talking and then when we do it’s like no time has passed.” No. Sometimes people are just lazy and don’t value the friendship. Not friend D though, she’s a gem.  Also friend K, he truly can go ages without talking to me and then pop up and it’s fine but at this point friend K is family.

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