Dating Myths or Just Things I Wish I Knew

So yeah the title says it all.

There are things that people don’t say and I wish they would, just be honest! Or rather I wish people wouldn’t sugar coat as much as they do.

The first thing is…

Kissing

Listen I am sure there are people who had an awesome and amazing first kiss, good for you.

That is not my story!

So my first kiss was so awkward and I had it when I was twenty two. I talked about it in my twenties post, or rather I talked about dating in general and my expectations vs reality moment.

When I was a teenager I really wanted a boyfriend, like really… like REALLY!

I didn’t get one, I got these weird one sided experiences. Or like I had situations that remained in the talking stage and never evolved. We didn’t call it the talking stage but that was what it was, I’m glad we have a name for it now.

Ugh

I also had a lot, a LOT, of crushes and I never did anything about them. I’d just admire from afar and be too scared to make a move, this is secondary school and sixth form Gift… and University Gift although I didn’t really have major crushes at Uni as I was there to study and study only… until I did my semester in Australia and well…

I wish I wasn’t shy and socially awkward because I would have made moves in Sydney!

So when I went to work at a summer camp and met that guy and he was like you should just go for it because what is the worst that could happen… I don’t know but for once his words actually worked and I went for it. I told him I liked him.

Random boring stuff in the middle and there I was, alone with him about to have my first kiss… and I started giggling.

It was the nerves! I’ve already talked about me and laughing in awkward situations or when I’m shocked. I wasn’t laughing though, these were giggles.

He got frustrated and was like, “Ugh am I going to have to hold your hand through this?”

In retrospect I should have left when he said that. But I was determined, I didn’t want this opportunity to pass me by. So I tried to be sexy by sitting on his lap… again, it did not work.

Then I leaned in and kissed him…

When I say it just felt like skin!

Dude, I’d hyped up this moment since I was a teen reading teen magazines and dreaming about Orlando Bloom and Joe Jonas and that was what kissing felt like?!

I felt cheated.

But that was just a peck, surely if you kiss properly it’s better?

Dude, we kissed properly and I never felt anything that I’ve heard people describe. I didn’t feel fireworks, I didn’t feel the butterflies… nothing.

Now, I have felt those things, butterflies and tingles.

Do you get tingles in your finger tips and toes? I get them. My sixth form crush, the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in real life, he gave me the tingles. Shame we were both shy and so never talked… just orbited each other.

But funnily enough I’m not sad about sixth form, I had just come from a girl’s school and he’d just come from a boy’s school… we did our best.

Anyhow back to the first kiss and the kisses that followed. I didn’t feel anything even though I am capable of getting tingles.

I was never swept away in the moment, I was very present and not in a good way. It was like a part of me was like, “Nope… no, we’re going to stay wide awake cause nope!”

And the guy wasn’t evil or anything, it just was like that.

Back then I chalked it up to my inexperience, clearly I wasn’t doing something right. Plus, we never tongue kissed and I’ve heard that that is a different experience.

But now looking back I can see that no, it wasn’t inexperience, we just weren’t supposed to kiss. I’ve talked to my friends and they’ve had different experiences from me. All of their experiences are varied.

So what I’m trying to say is, kissing feels like skin on skin, honestly, especially if you are not attracted or are rushing things or it’s your first time and you’re nervous. There are many factors but yeah for most people it can just feel like skin on skin.

I can’t speak on what a bad tongue kissing experience feels like but just watch Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging because they really showed what a bad experience in that area is like… such a fun movie.

Also it doesn’t matter when you have your first kiss. There are many people who have theirs in their twenty’s and it’s not weird.

We’re getting married later than our ancestors did so it makes sense. We have school and work to worry about and also we’re becoming more informed on good and bad behaviour in dating so we tolerate less. If you take your time to find someone to kiss or have sex with, that is totally fine.

Also I had friends who had sex when they were really young and it was not a fun experience. In movies they make it seem like teenagers know what they’re doing. It’s a lie! Myth number two, they don’t know shit!

Teenagers Ain’t Got Moves

Your world will not be rocked, it will be awkward and things will change.

The best advice I have heard, for anyone wanting to have sex for the first time (but really don’t do it as a teen… and if you do stay away from creeps in their twenty’s and thirty’s and above) is make sure you are both ready and that you truly trust each other. Also give it time, there’s no rush. If you’re committed that person will still be there. And always be safe!

From my friends who’ve had good experiences that is the common points they share.

This goes without saying but pay attention to red flags. They’re there for a reason and if you doubt for any second then don’t do it. Wait, and then decide.

Sometimes we can be over paranoid but just taking the time out to think about the red flag and why it’s there can save you heart ache down the line.

Another myth is…

Soulmates Don’t Exist

The whole idea of soulmates comes from Greek philosophy and from the fact that they believed that humans used to be two in one. So imagine one body, two heads, two arms and two legs and two consciousnesses. However these beings were too powerful so Zeus split them in half thus lessening their power.

So the whole idea of find your other half and soulmates comes from that. You’re literally finding your other half, the one who used to be one body with you.

This all came from Plato. He had some interesting theories, he’s not my favourite philosopher though, that’s Socrates. However, if I study philosophy for real (and not just ancient history) this may change.

So unless you’re a philosopher who firmly believes in Plato then I would say what you believe soulmates are is a myth.

I mean even I didn’t know this. I used to think it was just a romantic idea of belonging to someone and everyone had that one person… I guess I wasn’t too far off.

Personally, as I’ve gotten older, I don’t believe in this.

I have seen couples break up who seemed perfect. I have seen widows find love again and it be just as good, in a totally different way. I have seen the struggles people go through even when they are well matched.

Relationships are hard, they take work. The whole soulmate idea leaves people with the idea that they’ll conquer all their problems with the power of their love, again I was also like this.

However, it takes so much work and commitment to make a romantic relationship work.

When I met summer camp boyfriend, I honestly thought he was the one. I thought he was the one God sent to me and I was sent to him. Our meeting was so… like it was like the stars aligned.

However to make sure I prayed about it for like six months before we started dating for real and it was long distance when we dated as I’m British and he’s American.

It seemed the answer to my prayers was yes, go for it!  So I did.

I think I would have left the relationship sooner if I didn’t strongly believe he was the one for me. And also I hate dating and I told God I ain’t going to do this twice. So I wanted to make it work.

They say communication is key so I tried to be open and to communicate and to use all I had learned to solve our problems. However sometimes even when you try your best, things can still fail. Also, you both have to be in it to win it. If only one person is trying hard then it’s not going to work, especially with long distance.

I learned a lot about myself in that relationship. That I am demisexual being the biggest thing and that being single is actually amazing.

I was scared that when we broke up that I was letting go of my soulmate but in my head I thought, even if he is I’d rather be alone right now than deal with this. So we broke up. At first it was super difficult but as the time passed and my head cleared I realised it was the best decision for the both of us.

He was not my soulmate, I don’t have one. I am a complete person, Zeus did not split me from anyone. If I ever do decide to date in the future and if I ever do end up with anyone they will be my person because I chose them and they chose me.

People at church always told me, and my mom told me, that you have to choose each other every day… I finally know what they were talking about.

Love At First Sight

There is no such thing as love at first sight. I firmly believe this, I will die on this hill!

There is lust at first sight and infatuation at first sight. Also, if you learn about what happens in your brain when you fall for someone you’ll realise your brain is doping you up with hormones to give you that love at first sight feeling. It’s a trap!

Have you watched Dharma and Greg? I did a post about it… check it out because that show really showed the realities of love at first sight.

Spontaneous marriages can work but they take work y’all. My favourite African saying (I don’t know if it’s really African but all us Africans at church would say it) you must be with someone for all the seasons before making major decisions.

I would go even further and say, be with someone until it gets mundane and boring. That is when the hormones have levelled out (I’m not a neuroscientist so I don’t know the terms, a neuroscientist did a talk once on this and it was so fascinating it stuck with me… she was so cool). At that moment she said that most couples break up because they’re addicted to the falling in love feeling.

If you still want to be with someone even when it’s not exciting and just chill then that is a relationship worth pursuing.

My final point is that…

Dating is Overrated

The world makes you feel bad if you’re not part of a pair and I say bullshit.

The world is populated, we don’t all need to have kids, so what’s the rush? Why do we all need to be paired off?

We should chose our partners because we like them and want to be with them. We enjoy talking to them and spending time with them.

We should also be able to leave bad relationships without fearing being alone.

Friendships are amazing, let’s hype them up more! Relationships come and go but when you make a good friend they last forever. They can be even more fulfilling than a relationship sometimes.

Also I feel that everyone needs single time to get to know themselves and to love themselves to the point where being alone doesn’t scare you.

Don’t listen to the world, you don’t need another person to be happy. You need to love yourself… and yes I know it is easier said than done. It is a whole journey but once you start making progress on that journey… it’s a great feeling.

If you’ve read all that… thanks, you’re a real one.

(I was worried I wouldn’t have enough to say as well).

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