We all have a list right? You know, the list of things we do and don’t want in a man or significant other. That list that he or she has to fit or you’re not interested. Don’t pretend like you don’t have one, I know you do.

We all do.

But recently my list was challenged and I rediscovered what it was like to not meet someone’s criteria.

I am a skinny girl and for a black woman I lack curves. This has always been something I have struggled with. Yeah you’re probably sitting there like “Boo hoo cry me a river”. But honestly to this day I have never met a guy face to face who has liked a girl like me.

Normally they grow to like me or we have to be friends for a couple of years before they even think of it.

At work I’ve met someone who at first I was like “meh” with and then all of a sudden I found myself liking him. His personality gives me jokes and we banter. But I am so far from his type it’s unreal.

At first it didn’t bother me but then I found myself thinking “Will I ever match someone’s list?”

I’m either great physically but my personality is too strong or I’m too much of a nerd. Or they love my personality but hate my physicality because I’m too lean and need more meat in the right places.

I’d like to say I have some inspirational message for you about how to combat this but I don’t.

I am, however, in a much better place than I used to be. My esteem is better and I am more confident and sure of who I am. It took a lot to get me here, I walked through the fire and came out a phoenix and you can too. But this is still something I struggle with in the back of my mind.

There’s a song by Nickelback that I absolutely love “Gotta be somebody” and it gave me hope that there was someone out there other than God and my family and friends (basically a romantic someone) who would love me for me and I would be perfect for him and he would be perfect for me.

I have yet to find that person. Sometimes I doubt that I ever will but perhaps that is okay. Perhaps it is my destiny to be alone like Paul and do some extraordinary things in the world.

If that is the case I pray God gives me the strength to do it and that he gives me the security to handle it.

That is all.

Oh Ps: this situation also made me think about my list. I mean I’ve trimmed it down to the bare essentials over the years but still I have my shallow moments. I’m glad this happened. I’ve learned a good lesson.