24 – Living for Myself

As I reach the age of 24 I have decided to do things for me. Most of my life the reasons I have done things and sought to achieve things has been for others. If not for other I did things because society said that I had to. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I never gave myself a chance to rest and to contemplate the next step.

I’ve always known exactly what it was that I was going to do next. And yet recently I gave in to the fact that hey, I honestly have no idea what to do next. I have no idea how to make it in this world. It’s just so daunting.

I would also feel so guilty when people would ask me, “Do you have a job now?” and I’d have to say no. I always kept myself busy doing this and that so that I always had something to say like, “No I don’t but I’ve written and self-published two books” or “I have a blog” or “No I don’t but I’m doing a post graduate degree”.

About that post graduate degree, I did that for someone else. I found out very early on in the course that I did not want to do it. I was meant to do a masters but I dropped out because I got depressed, anxious and I had no motivation to do the course. That was when I realised I do things to please others. So after my mini breakdown I said to myself, “This is not it.” So I stopped.

Now when people ask me what I’m doing with my life I tell them the truth even if the truth is ugly and anticlimactic. I don’t try to fit in anymore, I let myself be my weird self and I am happier for it. I also let myself be my antisocial self. What I mean by that is, if I don’t get along with someone, I don’t apologise for it, I move on. I used to apologise because I’d feel bad that I didn’t get along with someone. But like, why? I have friends, why did I feel bad?

Now I am happier as I don’t have to pretend to mega social. I have a small group of friends and that’s all I need. I mean I’m not closed off to making new friends but I’m not going to go looking for new friends. I’m content.

Honestly I’m not enjoying adulthood. It’s horrible. Don’t let that discourage you though, everyone’s experience is different. I have friends with jobs who complain because their job doesn’t allow them to have time to themselves. I have friends who have jobs who still can’t move out because the housing market is too inflated. I know school mates who are married with kids and are content. I have cousins who are getting married in their early 20s and early 30s this year.

So everyone’s experience is different, this is mine. But it’s getting better.

BTS’ song Paradise really spoke to me. When I first listened to RapMon’s explanation on VLive I didn’t agree with him. I was like, “For sure you need to have a dream!” But then I read the lyrics to the song and I got what he was trying to say. It’s okay to not have a dream. It’s okay to just stop and live your life. Having a small dream, a small goal is also okay. A small goal can be living, breathing and making it through another day. It could reading a book you’ve never read or going outside. You don’t always have to run! I think I’ve been running and now I’m learning how to walk and to stop and admire the flowers (ain’t smelling nothing with hay fever). Once again BTS relate to my life, thank you.

So yes living is the key. I don’t know where life will take me. I don’t know what my future holds. I am not optimistic but I’m not pessimistic. At this moment in time I’m observing.

I am thankful to God however that I am alive and for what I have achieved so far.

Anyway, that is all that I have to say. Check out Paradise for yourself, it really captures where I am right now. Also So What does.

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