My Body is Rebelling

Yes, you read that title right. It’s got a mind of its own and quite frankly, I don’t appreciate it.

I used to be great at public speaking. It was my one strength. I was so good at it and I was never shy to do it either.

I had other flaws but not that! Not public speaking! And it was nice. It’s nice to have one less thing to worry about.

Then adulthood happened and my one skill has departed from me. It makes me so sad actually.

So I did a post grad degree and that’s when I realised I had a problem. I developed a stutter but it wasn’t the kind that you see in films. I didn’t repeat words… wait I do repeat words when I’m thinking but it’s not to the extent in movies like the King’s Speech.

So when it first happened I was like, “What was that! Don’t worry Gift just keep on with your presentation.”

Then it happened again and I noticed it only happened when I was speaking and I got nervous. Then it got worse and happens now whenever I’m passionately speaking about something.

The only way I can describe it is like the words get stuck in my throat and they can’t get out. Like there’s a hurdle and my words have to jump the hurdle to get out but sometimes they fall and fumble the jump. That’s what it feels like and it’s so frustrating, especially when it first started.

It used to happen multiple times in one sentence when it first started. Luckily, now it only happens once in a sentence and once in a day. Even then I can go a week without it happening.

I have no idea if it’s a stutter but that’s the only word that describes it accurately.

The second thing has always been something I do.

I laugh when I’m shocked or confused.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who does this. I’ve seen other people talk about this too and so I feel better.

I still think it’s weird though.

I was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon with my friend, at her house, years ago. We watched it till the end and she says, “Make a wish,” and man is like, “I want to go back down the mountain and live with you peacefully,” and girl says, “Ok.” And she jumps off the mountain and flies away!!!! And the movie ends!!

Btw if you jump off the mountain and fly away it means your wish is granted but it also means you’ll never return.

His wish involved her!

She could have just walked down that mountain with him! They had no more foes! (I think).

My friend and I were so shocked we burst out laughing and stayed laughing for a good five minutes.

So I guess my friend also has this laughing thing…

It also happens when I’m confused.

So I’ll be talking about a serious topic and if I think the subject of my topic is stupid or just illogical so I will start laughing or ironically smiling.

At moments like that I always think, I hope they, whoever I’m talking to, don’t think I’m laughing or smiling out of joy but know it’s out of exasperation.

To be honest most of my friends know this. Perhaps I’m just self-conscious.

I love watching Kennie JD though and she always talks about how she does this and she’s always apologising and I’m sitting there in my room like, “It’s ok girl, I do it too! I’m with you!”

Anyway, that’s it for me oversharing.

Does your body ever make you go, huh?

3 thoughts on “My Body is Rebelling

  1. rumcher

    Oh my goodness I do the exact same! The stuttering, I’ve always had when I’m speaking publicly. I used to feel so ashamed about it, but with me I actually stutter. It’s why I despise public speaking and prefer writings papers.
    I also laugh or smile when I’m shocked or exasperated!
    And I know you do all these things, I already miss your smile!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. rumcher

        Yes we do! I thought you knew this already…about how much we have in common?
        *woooooooooooooooooooop* yes you are!! *shimmmmmmmmmmmmies*

        Liked by 1 person

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